To save time, I will quote an excerpt from his blog... but I do encourage you to check his site out when you can. It's worth every second of your time!
The line slowly progressed and the child eventually shuffled back to his father as he quietly hummed a childish tune, seemingly having forgotten the anger his father had just shown. The father again turned and scolded the boy for making too much noise. The boy again shrunk back and cowered against the wall, wilted.
I was agitated. I was confused. How could this man not see what I see? How could this man not see what a beautiful spirit stood in his shadow? How could this man be so quick to stub out all happiness in his own boy? How could this man not cherish the only time he'll ever have to be everything to this boy? To be the person that matters most to this boy?
We were three from the front now, and the boy started to come towards his dad yet again. His dad immediately stepped out of the line, jammed his fingers into his son's collar bones until he winced in pain, and threatened him. "If you so much as make a sound or come off of that wall again, I promise you're going to get it when we get home." The boy again cowered against the wall. This time, he didn't move. He didn't make a sound. His beautiful face pointed down, locked to the floor and expressionless. He had been broken. And that's how his father wanted it. He didn't want to deal with him, and breaking him was the easiest way."
(Continued at "You just broke your child. Congratulations.")
After posting this, Single Dad asked if he was wrong to write about the situation as he did, and it really got me thinking. Was it wrong for him to publicly discuss his feelings after observing this scene? Was it, as I'm sure the father described would probably assert, 'none of his business'? Actually, thinking about my answer kept me up all night. Should those on the periphery of a bad situation intervene? Should they be vocal about their anger or sadness over the mis-treatment of others? Especially innocents, like this young boy? I didn't stay up all night wondering if it was wrong to have an opinion on this. I didn't stay up thinking about whether it was right or wrong to use a display like that as a catalyst for voicing one's opinions regarding the mistakes of another. What kept me up all night was thinking about that little boy. It would be easier to believe that there was just this one unfortunate child who was experiencing this kind of empty childhood. But that is not the reality. It completely breaks my heart. So why aren't we ALL staying up nights trying to beg for the life they deserve? Why is this situation so common that this father felt completely comfortable acting this out in a public forum? We like to assume that abuse and neglect happens in dark places, in secret... but abuse is not just bruises and blood. Webster's offers the following as one definition for the word 'abuse': language that condemns, or vilifies, usually unjustly, intemperately, and angrily, and 'to abuse' is to: attack in words, or to use so as to injure or damage. I'd say that qualifies. Would a court see it that way? Unfortunately, this topic has no cut and dry answer as it should. There are often loving families who lose their children due to a faulty system, and it is that same faulty system that allows children who are brutally abused and neglected and ignored to stay in that evil, toxic environment. Obviously, everyone would agree that this is a subject on which the court should have no gray area.
But what about in the court of opinion? As onlookers, are we right for being saddened in silence? Are we wrong for voicing our disgust and our anger, even in a public forum, and giving these poor children a voice? Dan asked if he was wrong to write about the events as he did. He told the story, and then issued an extremely heated reprimand and then plead for things to change.
Well, my answer is no, Dan. You were not wrong to speak up. Actually, what we need is MORE speaking up. I am driven crazy by this notion that 'These are my kids, and I'll raise them how I want to. So don't comment when you see me doing something you don't like and... don't think you're better than me because it's really none of your business." For some reason, this line of reasoning (or lack thereof) has come to be expected, and almost accepted. No, we don't agree with what you just did to that precious fragile child, but it's not appropriate to speak up so we will just mind our own business and leave thinking how sad it is. How have we gotten so far as a people that we can just look away? When I see things like this I'll admit I don't always jump in and try to give good ol' dad a crash course in appropriate parental behavior... but I DO try to say something. Anything. Someone has to advocate for our children! If that dad had punched his son in the face, or was clearly starving him, people would definitely say something... (actually, these days... I'm not so sure. Turning a blind eye has become an art form.) But as a general rule, a man publicly abusing his son would get people to speak up, and to act. Why then, can everyone stand by and watch this low-life whittle his son down to the very least he can be? Isn't that neglect? Isn't that abuse? Now, there are times when we ALL get busy and get flustered when our child is competing with the ten hundred other things we have going on. Our fuses get short and we open our mouth and everything we never wanted to be comes right out. And we ALL have those days where Johnny had cookies at school and is now barreling around Costco like a whirling dervish and we SWEAR if he asks for the jumbo box of corn dogs just one more time.... But that's just parenting. We aren't perfect, and we make mistakes, but we are willing to tell Johnny what a great dancer he is and how much we love him and how sorry we are for how harshly we spoke to him... and then ask if he'd like to go to the park which is a much more appropriate place to spin and spin and spin than the store, In fact, we will spin with him! And we will tell him a hundred times how much we love him and how proud we are that when either of us makes a mistake, we can be honest and say we are sorry and things will go back to the way they were, And that's because a parent's love isn't just for when you're good, it's for all the time.
But that's what WE would do. Unfortunately many parents today have their priorities all wrong. It's ME first, work second, friends, hobbies, bills, retirement planning, making your own beer to impress your friends when you know nobody will ever drink it anyway, and then come pets and lastly... what's left? Oh, right... The children. But really, they have school to teach them what they need to know, sometimes church to make sure they know how to do things on Christmas Mass so they don't embarrass us in front of our friends. Those are good enough, right? Everything else they can get from TV or books or games... what's that one game Johnny loves? Call of Duty Black Ops? I mean that's like, historical stuff, right? And yeah, it's rated M for Mature, and there may be blood and violence, but he's got to grow up sometime. He's got to toughen up anyway. He barely even talks and won't look adults in their faces, and he is always crying about something... So YEAH, I think we are doing a good job!! He just needs to learn his place and stay out of my way and keep his mouth shut and we'd have no problems.
Wow, Sir... so glad we had this talk... What you don't realize is that every time you manhandle your kid, you take away something he can never get back. Trust, a feeling of safety, gone. And a piece of wall goes up. And when you berate him, you're telling him things about himself that he will always believe. That he's not worthy of being an active part in your life. That he's in the way, just an annoyance, and that you JUST DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS (Read: I don't have time for YOU) And more wall goes up. Until eventually there comes a day when your grown up son seems like a stranger to you, and you can't figure out why! Because the wall he built-- brick by brick, harsh word by harsh word... all cemented together with regret and fear... that wall is the only way he knows how to feel safe communicating with the world. And it keeps him safe because it keeps everyone out. Everyone, Including you.
He has no idea what love looks like, how a healthy relationship works, so he struggles through so many heartbreaks, trying to learn how this all works because all he knows of relationships is that getting close to another person and opening your heart is a bad idea. Because whether you are a man or a child, when you are rejected, parts of you crack and become fragile and then break.
That poor little child was broken, and when he broke, he scarred. Scars that are tough, hard to get through, scars that are constant reminders that if he'd only figured out that one more thing that would make Dad/Mom/Mr Jones who taught first grade/or Jessica, the most beautiful girl in the world, think he's worthy. If he could have just gotten things right with them, he might have been able to have a real relationship with someone. Maybe even his Dad. Maybe if he wouldn't keep messing things up, then Daddy would want to spend time with HIM at the golf course instead of with the guys he works with. "Maybe if I was perfect every day, he would let me come to his office and not sit me in front of the television in the break room, but instead show me how he does his job. Because even though he doesn't really like me, I want to grow up to be just like him..."
My heart floods with tears for that little boy. I pray that God will place someone in his life early that will show him good examples and help him to understand his true value, and give him all the love in the whole world that every little boy deserves no matter how many mistakes they make.
Many parents have given up. They're phoning in their parenting every day, doing just enough to get by. And they wonder why their kids rebel and get in trouble in school and why 'kids these days' can't learn good common sense. Well, they've never had anyone to teach them! I am shocked at how seldom parents are involving themselves in the lives of their children. When my boyfriend (who is teaching a Humanities class at a local Elementary school) asked a class full of third graders what their favorite movies were, the three big winners were (drum roll, please) 'Freddy Vs Jason', 'Saw', and 'Chuckie'. In THIRD GRADE!!!! How does that happen? It happens because of un-invested, un-interested, and un-committed parenting. When I volunteer in my daughter's Kindergarten class, why do I see a room mostly full of kids who still can't identify all the letters of the alphabet on sight? That blows my mind! My daughter is reading 2nd grade chapter books from cover to cover and getting the tone and pace and inflection down to a T. But, I don't say that to brag... I'm no supermom. (OK, maybe a little) But seriously, I'm just doing what you're supposed to do with your children... Love them, teach them, correct them, guide them, comfort them, allow them to fall sometimes in life so they can learn life's lessons - but always be just one step behind in case they need rescuing.
So Sir, Mr Leave-Me-Alone --You want your son to be a strong, confident, independent, responsible, caring, all-around good man? Then YOU be those things, and then tell him that's who HE is! Shape that image for him, portray the qualities you want him to learn and emulate, and tell him that no matter how he turns out or where he goes to school or how many times he gets his heart broken or messes up his whole entire life and has to start over from scratch... that you are there for him, always will be... and you'll always help him put the pieces back together and rebuild.
THAT'S a what a real parent is. Pass it on...
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