Perspective

Some days, I wake up under a dark cloud. Not the comforting, want-to-stay-in-bed-with-a-good-book (or-a-good-man) kind of cloud, but the oppressive, can’t-find-the-sun-to-save-my-life kind of cloud. I used to really struggle on these days... getting lost in the feeling of being lost. Embracing my need to hide like the hiding itself would protect me. And then I grew up, and I started to learn about myself. As a woman, these days just come. They don’t have to have anything to do with circumstance or stresses. I ride the wave, and realize that some days I am on the crest, and some days I am in the hollow vacuum created when the world comes crashing down. But it’s just chemicals. Oh, how much easier it is to deal with emotion when you realize that for the most part... it’s all chemical. Yes, I have sadness and stressors that are very real. But all that is manageable. Mostly, just talking about it-- even without the need for a solution-- makes me feel much better. Then my head is clear to find that solution and move on. Life is hard. But it’s not as hard as I think it is some days.

Why am I writing this? Did I wake up today under a black cloud? No, not really. I don’t feel well today, mostly because I am tired, and have a lot to do before I leave on another trip tomorrow. But, today is not a bad day. I am writing this because I am thankful for perspective. I am thankful for the ability to look at life and see it as manageable... as something that I don’t just want to escape. I am thankful for the people in my life that make it worth trudging through all of the hassles and stresses. Some people don’t have that perspective.

Yesterday, I had a nagging urge to call my dad. When he answered the phone, I could feel the sadness and pain in his voice. I could hear his broken heart right through the phone. As most of you know my dad is a pastor of a small church in Florida. Night before last, one of his church members, a friend, a young man with several small children and a young wife, decided that life was just too much-- too hard. And, in his darkest moment, he took his life. He didn’t take pills and fall asleep, he didn’t end it quickly... this young man drank and entire glass of muriatic acid... hydrochloric acid. My dad said that the agony he endured before he even slipped into a coma was unbelievable. He was dissolving from the inside out... blood coming out of his ears as he died.

I don’t know this man. I may have met him in passing but I don’t remember him. But I feel such sadness for him, for his family. How is it possible for life to be so unbearable that you would put yourself through that type of torture? How is it possible to get so far from hope that you’d choose to end your life that way? If I am being completely honest, I will admit that there have been times that I didn’t think I wanted to live any longer. But, I can say that I have never been where that man was that night. I have never been that hopeless. I have never been that desolate. I have always found a reason to go just one more day... even when I could only find the strength for just one. I know that I have far more reasons to be hopeful than I have to be hopeless.

After all I’ve been through in my life, I can look back on those rock-bottom moments with a new perspective. I can peer down into the valleys of my past and see that they are only valleys because they are surrounded by peaks. When I am in the valley, I only need to remember that there is a peak just ahead. I may have to climb my way out... sometimes I may have to claw my way out... But... there IS an out. There IS a future. I am thankful for the valleys in my life, because it was in the valleys that I learned who I am, that I learned how to grow, and how to fight, and how to love... to love myself, and how to love even when it hurts.

I am still learning. I am learning how to be loved, how to accept love and feel like it’s ok to take sometimes too. I am thankful that the lesson I am learning is about love and for once in my life is not about pain or hurt. I am so thankful for those few in my life who are pouring love into me. You fill me up, and you heal me, and soothe and comfort me. I have been running on empty for a very long time, and I don’t think I realized how truly empty I felt... until I felt the healing satisfaction of being loved and cherished and appreciated. In my darkest moment, I was given the gift of a different kind of drink. With every drop of love that you give to me, I feel a little more of the hurt and lonliness dissolve...

You know who you are... and I thank you.