Titanic

A few relationships back I decided to ask a question. I've asked it of several people, and rarely get a straight answer. It's a simple question, really, and should the person be honest... it could really eliminate much of the hassle of getting to know one another. However, the question is useless if the information is ignored.

For example:
I asked a certain boyfriend (no, not on the first date... it was a month or two into our dating) "What are your worst qualities?" What a great concept, right? Instead of pretending to be perfect (because we both know you aren't, and I am not either), you tell me the ugliest truths about you and I will see if I can deal with them, and vice versa. To his credit, this guy was actually honest. He said, "I am pretty messy, and I am also very moody." These are definitively his absolute worst traits. The truth. Honesty. This might have been the last time he was honest in the whole relationship, but that's another blog. I thought to myself, 'Well, I am a homemaker.. I like to cook and clean... and I have aeons of experience with moody people. I can handle moody. Sounds like this is going to work!' I am a fool. FOOL!

Which brings me to something I realized the other day when cleaning his house (yes, again) months after we've been broken up:

Red flags in relationships are like icebergs.

When your new sweetie does/says something that sends up a red flag. STOP. Immediately multiply that behavior times one thousand and then determine if you can live with that behavior to the nth power every day for the rest of your life. Because the chances are that what you are seeing is a highly diluted version of how they really are. People can keep up appearances for a remarkably long time. Some adults have been 'acting' for so long that they actually don't know who they are for real. The first time I heard someone actually admit that, I almost cried for them. I know exactly who I am. All of my friends/family know who I am. I never put up a front or try to act a certain way to try and fit in. I am just me, and if that's not ok, then that's ok. I don't have to impress everyone. I don't have to be friends with everyone. But most people aren't like that. In an effort to put their 'best foot forward', they dress up the foot... and when all of those trappings are eventually removed, well sometimes the foot is disappointing. I'd rather give myself some credit and just put my bare foot forward. If it's good enough, then great... I don't have to try so hard. For the most part, however, the traits you see in the first months (sometimes years) of a relationship are often just the tip of the iceberg. The 'pretty messy' guy turns into the world's biggest slob. The moodiness turns into mania. It was always there... just concealed... under the surface.

I don't believe in 'testing' a partner... but for goodness sake, keep your eyes open, and get out of the boat and see what's lurking under that icy break.