DIEt

Preparing to write this blog has been somewhat like preparing to bungee jump. There's the perception of impending doom, but still a sense of safety from actual annihilation. And so, I inch over to the edge of the cliff and look over, maybe prepare a few sentences in my head... and then step back from the ledge and decide to mull it over a bit longer. I'm not sure why I'm so anxious about writing it. Maybe I think it will open a pandora's box of inquisition or lift an imaginary veil and leave me exposed to scrutiny. But, I know that the subject matter is one to which just about everyone can relate and so... here I go.

I've never really talked about my weight struggles in my blog. I think one reason I choose to omit the subject is because it is something I dealt with my whole life and now that I have, for the most part, stopped struggling with it... I'd like to just let it go. I largely ignored the topic -- not just in blogs, but in my life -- for a very long time. And slowly, the weight started to creep back on. One day earlier this year I was in Best Buy with my son and he called me over to the video camera display. "Look!" he said excitedly, as he showed me something on the screen. He pushed play and it took me a moment to register at what, exactly, I was looking. I cannot describe the confusion and panic that came over me when I realized it was a recording of ME... from behind... looking at a display across the aisle. Thirty minutes later, when I had finally figured out how to delete the video, and checked four or five times to ensure it was gone forever, I made a commitment to myself to never, ever, ever wear that outfit again... and to start paying more attention to keeping myself in shape.

Over the last few months, I've done well. I went back to watching my carbs, got active, and the weight just fell off. All of my cute clothes have started to fit again and I'm at a weight I could live with for the rest of my life. I'll admit that the idea of trying to lose weight again, rather than just maintain it, terrified me. I fought that battle my whole life! I had the same feeling when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter over four years ago. I thought for sure I would gain 70 pounds like I had with my son and I would be fighting for years to get it off. But, the day I gave birth to my daughter I weighed two pounds more than the day I got pregnant. I became so active and the pregnancy boosted my metabolism so much that I was losing weight as I was gaining baby. I had a super healthy pregnancy, and within a month of giving birth, I was at my lowest weight as an adult. I looked and felt fantastic. I'd like to get back to that weight... and I'm not far off... but I've been so averse to the idea of trying to lose weight, and been honestly content with where I am so I haven't worked for it. In the last few months, I've realized that "dieting" has changed for me. I no longer have to fear it, or approach it like an ominous mountain ahead. Eating well, and even (gasp!) exercising have become something I enjoy. I feel stronger and better and calmer when I am eating right and getting physical.

My children have never had weight problems. My daughter was underweight for much of her toddler days, and even though my son would add a few pounds before a growth spurt he was always thin as well. I've tried very hard to ensure that the foods we eat are well-rounded and healthy and tried to teach them about good choices. But, in the last year, I've noticed my son struggling with his weight, as the pounds just seem to add exponentially. As I've refocused my efforts to educate him and help him make good choices, I realize that some of my habits are sending him mixed signals. Low Carb eating has always been successful for me, and something I could do as a lifestyle... but when I am telling him one thing and eating another, I find him more and more asking, 'wait, is this good for me... can I eat this??' I don't want my kids growing up and struggling the way I did. I want our lives to be healthy. And so, I have decided to adopt a new eating plan. Weight Watchers is a program that I have used successfully in the past, and feel that will work to instruct as much as control our eating habits. It is a plan that we can adopt as a family lifestyle rather than a restrictive diet. I've loved the ads I've seen for Weight Watchers in the past year... things like, "Diets are Mean" and "Stop Dieting. Start Living." because I know how truly that reflects the philosophy of the plan and the truth behind the whole 'dieting' mess: Diets don't work. Pills and gimmicks and all the fad things people try to drop a few pounds do absolutely nothing to change behavior or habits, and usually do more to stall the metabolism than encourage it. And so, left wanting, we diet for a month or two... maybe longer if we are lucky... and then go right back to our bad habits, sometimes feasting to compensate for the famine we've endured. It doesn't work. The only thing that really works is making a decision to change your life and doing it.

The more I think about it, the more I think I'm ready to tackle another weight loss goal. There's something different about losing weight when you know you can. There's something different about attacking a goal when you know it's attainable. And, there is something exciting about approaching a path as a journey rather than a vertical climb looming in front of you. Sometimes I will go hiking, and work my way along a trail... enjoying the sounds and the sights and the experience. And it is not until I turn around and look at the amazing view of the valley below that I realize I have climbed a mountain. I'm going to approach this the same way. One step at a time, one day at a time, one pound at a time. If all I ever do is maintain my current weight, then I can enjoy the journey and know that I am living healthy and living well. But if I give it that extra push, and traverse the occasional rocks, and work my way up over the cliffs that may come my way... I may just find that the view is better than I ever imagined!