Redneck Woman

I was watching TV the other day, and happened upon CMT's "Top Redneck Moments" special, which outlined the top white trash moments in history. Genius. When the "You might be a redneck if..." series came out, I spent half of my time trying to figure out what was so strange about having curtains in your truck, or how he knew how many dogs were sleeping under our porch.

As such, I felt inspired to compile a list of my own personal Top Redneck Moments. Grab a can of Pabst and ENJOY!

I don't ever tell people this, but my mother breast fed me until I was two. This was a valiant effort to improve my immune system so I wouldn't suffer from the crippling allergies my father had... but I still think that breast feeding until you are old enough to ASK for it is white trash ALL THE WAY!

One time, we thought we would bypass the tedious work that is washing fresh greens, and so we put a whole mess of collard, mustard, and turnip greens in the washing machine. This is a commonly used practice in the south when cooking large amounts of greens. However, we forgot to bypass the spin cycle, and ended up with shredded greens in our pockets for weeks.

I got my first hair perm in elementary school. 'Nuff said.

I have been spanked with all manner of objects. Wooden spoons, switches from the yard, every belt my daddy ever owned, and even a table tennis paddle or two. Once, I forged my dad's signature on a field trip form and when he found out he literally chased me into the principal's office (who was his friend) and borrowed his fiberglass paddle with holes drilled in it to teach me a lesson. I learned that lesson just fine.

One time, some kids broke into our house and the neighbor came over and told the kids they'd better run because the police were coming. Nice.

I've spent the better part of my life with one or more non-operating vehicles in front of my house. Concrete blocks and everything.

A few years ago, I couldn't afford tickets to the WWF show in town, so I volunteered for the women's shelter booth selling pizza to get in free, and then snuck out to watch the show once it started.

I fell down the stairs at a John Michael Montgomery concert and took every stair to the face on the way down. Needless to say, I looked pretty rough when I got up, but I earned a lot of redneck street cred.

My cousin's parents were step brother and sister until his grandparents got divorced. Then they got married themselves.

I almost got thrown out of my high school graduation because my family was so loud and exuberant in their celebrating. Then we went to Denny's.

When my dad and I wanted to "bond" we would go to Home Depot. To this day, the smell of lumber and caulk and fertilizer warms my heart.

When sports are on TV, I instinctively begin cooking. I can also tell the sound of a beer that has one sip left in it by the way it sounds when it hits the table.

And the ultimate redneck moment: I got married at the DMV. We took a number, signed the certificate (after he said: "You know all that stuff about love and honor and cherish and shit? I do all that."), and then we went to work. After work, we had a "reception" where I fell asleep before he got back with the beer