the truth

*I posted this a few months ago, before our little blog family came together, but was reminded of it by many of the comments on my blog yesterday. I felt I would repost it, to second the emotion!*



So, the other day I realized something about myself that at once made so many of my feelings make perfect sense, and yet... made me want to deny that they ever existed. A sentence popped into my thoughts that is neither nice nor appropriate. A sentence I swore I would never repeat outside of my head. But it won't go away. Every time I think it, I try to stuff it down, block it out... but the truth in it is so comforting that I find myself denying it less and less.

I secretly resent married people.

That's right. All of them. All of you. See? Not pretty, right? But, before you judge or think me hopelessly pathetic, please let me explain. I resent married people because of what they have that I don't. I am jealous and envious and covetous. I see these people, young and old, tall and short, beautiful and ugly, fat and thin, smart and dumb... and they found someone who wanted them. Who looked at them and thought that every day for the rest of their lives they wanted to be with them. They loved enough and longed enough for them that they willingly sacrificed their once precious freedom. They wanted more than the sex and more than the Friday night. They were excited to introduce them as their fiancee and then husband or wife. She's mine. He's mine. We are One. And I love you enough to tell everyone. In public. On paper. In ceremony. On my hand. In my will. 'Til death do us part.

I'm not stupid. I know not every marriage started this way, or with these sentiments. But the great majority of them do. And I know they all (or even most, these days) do not last forever. Which doesn't make me feel any better. People who get the chance to be married to someone who really loves them and who wanted to be with them and don't give it every single thing they've got to make it work just make me angry. When it doesn't work because it wasn't right to start off with... fine. I totally get it. I was married. To the WRONG person. And I fought hard-- but it wasn't the right fight. But, when it is... and people just throw it away... well, it makes me sad. And a little indignant.

It's just not fair. You see, all I have ever wanted to be was a wife and mom. I've been a mom for over ten years. I get to live that dream every day. But something is missing. Something huge. Something integral and vital to who I am. The need to be someone's wife. Somebody's June Cleaver meets Jenna Jameson. A woman that a man can be proud to call his wife. I am very far from perfect, but I know I would make a great wife. A great partner and friend and plaything and...

As I round the corner to being thirty I don't feel old. But I do feel sad. Have you ever wanted something so much that the very thought of it defines you? It feels like being a kid who grew up wanting nothing more than to play in the Major Leagues. And not only does he want it, but he's got an arm that can throw a 100-mph fastball and can swing for the fences every time. But no teams are interested. He is destined to play AAA ball for the rest of his career. He is nothing but a farm team player with a big, unfulfilled dream. An essentially useless dream. Sometimes these big dreaming kids get a shot at the 'big show'... a "Rudy" moment. But, it's not the real thing.

It is important for me to say that it's not just being married, per se, that I want. It's not the marriage in general, or the idea just in the fairy tale sense. I could be married now. I'm sure I could find someone who'd shack up with me and toss a gold ring on my finger and I could have my marriage. Like sea monkeys... as easy to set up and equally as unimpressive. It is the intent that I long for. Even when I was married before, it was more because his buddies thought I was hot too, and because I was a good cook... things like that--I looked good on paper. He didn't want forever. I am not sure he ever even wanted ME. I want someone who wants ME. Who won't settle for anything less than ME. I want the marriage as in the intimate association... and not as in the institution. Someone to take care of, and who'll take care of me. Someone who walks in a room proud to say that I belong to them. Someone who will be there when I crawl into bed each night, and will be happy to wake up to me every morning. Someone to occassionally argue with, even fight with... I don't just want the glossy photo album marriage. I want it all and I am willing to do the work... I want to do the work.

But wanting something and getting it are two far different things. I might just be destined for this eternal spring training. Getting ready for the season that never starts. But, I won't stop hoping. I won't stop longing. And, I won't stop learning... because if I ever get the chance I can guarantee I will make someone very happy. Hall of Fame style.