My glamorous job

I am sure all of you have heard about how terminally glamorous the life of a flight attendant is, and I know how jealous you must be that I get to live such a luxurious existence. I wish that I could debunk some of these rumors, and tell you that the job is not all that it is cracked up to be... but sadly, I cannot. Everything about being a flight attendant is just SO glamorous!

First of all, we get to fly all over the United States... what? no. I don't fly internationally. I fly for a domestic airline. But, seriously, overnighting in Midland, Texas is SUPER glamorous. As if that wasn't enough, there is the tres chic uniform. Khaki pants, sweater vest, tennis shoes... what? no. I don't wear a blazer and skirt, or a pillbox hat pinned atop my chignon. I dress like a camp counselor... but sometimes I DO tie a scarf around my ponytail and that makes the uniform very en vogue. Being a flight attendant also affords us the opportunity to provide the utmost in high-class service. I serve peanuts and pretzels and... what? no. There are no meals. But I DO make the best bloody mary you ever drank from a plastic cup!

I could go on for days listing the endlessly glamorous aspects... I clean up buckets of vomit, from all types of surfaces... I smell more human crap than most sanitation workers... and I get persistent sexual advances from some of america's finest losers. My schedule changes minute by minute, I am considered by all passengers to be in charge of aircraft maintenance and air traffic control, and am widely believed to be personally able to control the weather... and thus responsible for any delays caused by any of the above. Thankfully, I have memorized the entire airline flight schedule, so that I can immediately recall times and locations for any of our 3,000 plus flights per day, and amazingly, I happen to also know connection information for all other airlines. I keep a running mental log of each and every bag stowed in overhead bins as well as cargo bins, and can predict whether bags will make it to their final destination. All this while saving lives, telling jokes, singing songs, and looking pretty damned fantastic.

It doesn't get any better than that.